One Line Life Changers 6.23.14 Edition

 

 

                                                                                                Photo Source: iStockphoto.com

 

Precious One, the rest of your life is in your hands. Start right here - right now:

 

Love God and let nothing get your eyes off of Him.

Follow your heart.

Love deeply.

Enjoy the journey.

Listen - a lot. Listen more.

Give. Be abundant and don't overthink it.

Smile because you can.  Someone else needs it and so do you.

Be kind to someone who doesn't know they need it.

Forgive someone who doesn't deserve it.

Insist on peace.  Start with being peaceful.

Go someplace new. And then be still when you get there.

Plan to let it go - whatever "it" is.

Dance. I dare you. Do it again tomorrow.

Stay in touch with what real beauty is. Enjoy what you discover.

Learn to be in anyone's company.

Have fun.

Never stop learning.

Invest in yourself in something that won't fade or break.

Trust yourself. Then listen.

Broaden your horizons.

Stop rushing yourself and letting others rush you.

Find kind ways to say no - to everyone, including yourself.

Turn the TV/phone off. Someone is waiting to know you.

Love yourself.

Breathe deeply and slowly. Every day. Discover God's spirit in each breath.

 

It's ok to live.  It's what you were created to do.  And yes - abundantly.

Your Story Matters…Until It Doesn’t – The Power of Pushing Past What’s Been Getting In Your Way

 

                                                                                                             Photo Courtesy of: freeimages.com

What’s your story?  Here’s a portion of mine.  I’ve had a life filled with incredible blessing, but I have also had difficult experiences, some of which have gotten in the way of being able to make progress in areas that were important to me.  I am a survivor of sexual abuse.  I’ve been hurt to the point of keeping people at arm’s length.  I have dealt with some level of self-doubt most of my life.  I’ve been disappointed in myself and others to the point of cynicism and indifference.  When I’m tempted into self-pity, I can dip into sad messages that, despite my deepest desires, my hurts, disappointments and broken dreams are going to go with me to my grave.  “But, Karen”,, you protest, “You’re always so confident!”  No, I’m not.

Surprised?  Don’t be.  The reality is that women from every walk of life, in general, struggle with feelings of being some version of a hot mess quite frequently.  Whether we turn down opportunity because we don’t feel qualified (even if we are), we suffer from the imposter syndrome because our internal critics are louder than our internal compass, or we make safe decisions because we don’t want to risk criticism/failure.  The things that get in the way of productive women are often more about our own stories than anything else. 

Our stories matter when we’ve been in denial and it’s time to put a name to our experiences.  Our stories matter when it’s time to set boundaries and communicate needs, wants and expectations.  Our stories matter when we are focused on dealing with causes of our issues, not just symptoms.  At some point, however, there comes a time when we have to push past our stories in order to make progress.

It was only when I became fed-up with being stuck (personally, professionally, spiritually, physically and mentally) that I began to understand something powerful.   My story is a part of who I am but how I got to where I am today doesn’t matter as much as what I do to get to where I want to be (personally, professionally, spiritually, physically and mentally). 

Is your story getting in the way of you being able to move forward?  Are you exhausting yourself or others with acting wounded, broken, angry, moody, cold, frustrated or forgotten?  Did you have expectations of getting somewhere specific in your life but you keep ending up in the wrong place (or the same place)?  Do you long for support and understanding but find warm, willing ears few and far between?  Your story may be getting in the way.

·         Sometimes we are too close to our own story to recognize what’s getting in our way.  We are experts at holding mirrors to external relationships and circumstances to justify what’s going on in our lives.  A majority of my clients start out saying they want someone or something outside of themselves to change, only to realize during the coaching process that their lack of progress was staring back at them in their own reflection.  Whether you are a stay-at-home mom, a full-time manager, a philanthropist, an entrepreneur, artist or rock-scientist - there is power in courageously welcoming the discovery of what you tend to hide from and run from (personally, professionally, spiritually, physically and mentally).  Progress in any area comes in taking action based on the things you can influence within yourself.

 

·         Prayer/meditation/reflection/centering gets replaced with to-do lists, checking social status updates and newsfeeds, scheduling on the fly and multi-tasking.  Most of those things are related to what’s happening with others.   When we avoid slowing down long enough to understand what parts of our own story move us forward and which parts hold us back from what we want, we grow desensitized to our own development opportunities and tend to repeat the things we are most afraid of (regret, insignificance, being forgotten, being alone.).   There is power in creating space to act/behave with thoughtful intention and courageous responsibility about who you want to be or what you want to be known for.

 

·         Ignoring your story won’t help you move forward.  Owning your story will.  Pretending like the painful, raw parts of your life didn’t happen is much like pretending the angry rhino in the living room isn’t there; you will discover the hard way that rhinos require expert handling and awareness of what’s important and what’s not. Repeating the same old pains/frustrations only tells others that you haven’t dealt with your stuff.  I promise – anyone who is healthy and successful in what you desire will soon tire of your repeats.  And anyone who doesn’t tire is most likely stuck is something themselves – that should tell you something.  It doesn’t matter if you are highly successful and have a new goal to push towards or if you are a wounded woman starting from scratch.  There is power in knowing how to process your story and who can be trusted with it.  There is even more power in creating a new story.  You can start today. 

AFFIRMATION Instructions - Remove all distractions from around you.  Take a deep, slow breath – repeat until you sense that your spirit is quieted enough to receive truth.  GET FOCUSED - Say the statements below (in bold) out loud and at a pace that allows you to hear and own each word.  IDENTIFY PURPOSE – Replace behavior that was a part of your old story with behavior that is a part of your new one.  GATHER PERSPECTIVE – Identify thoughts and ideas, resources and relationships that support your new story.  If you fill your life and your mind with the right things, eventually there is no room for the wrong things.

GET FOCUSED

My story, in all of its forms, is a part of me, but it doesn’t define me.  Today I will move forward.  Beginning today, I will be more positive, hopeful, responsible and courageous about how I can be who I want to be and about what I want to be known for.

IDENTIFY PURPOSE

Personal Life

I will stop doing the following in my personal life:

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I will start doing the following in my personal life:

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In my personal life, I want to be:

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In my personal life, I want to be known for:

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Professional Life

I will stop doing the following in my professional life:

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I will start doing the following in my professional life:

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In my professional life, I want to be:

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In my professional life, I want to be known for:

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Spiritual Life

I will stop doing the following in my spiritual life:

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I will start doing the following in my spiritual life:

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In my spiritual life, I want to be:

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In my spiritual life, I want to be known for:

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Physical Life

I will stop doing the following in my physical life:

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I will start doing the following in my physical life:

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In my physical life, I want to be:

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In my physical life, I want to be known for:

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Mental Life

 

I will stop doing the following in my mental life:

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I will start doing the following in my mental life:
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In my mental life, I want to be:

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In my mental life, I want to be known for:

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GET PERSPECTIVE

My story is a valuable part of who I am. Today is the day it helps me begin a new one.

Creating Options for Yourself Starts with Decision

                                                                                    Photo Source: www.madamenoire.com

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people describe me as strong, confident and successful.  And isn’t that what so many of us strive for?  As a younger woman those accolades sounded so reassuring.  What I learned as I moved into middle age is that what others experience as strength and confidence is sometimes laid with stones of loneliness, doubt, wandering, fear, guilt, temptation to give up, temptation to rest at average, indifference and exhaustion.  I’m not trying to be depressing – in fact, most who know me will describe me as positive, possibility-focused and engaged in living life with purpose.  I do hope to tear the veil off of the fears and insecurities that hundreds of millions of productive women live with, and behind.

For so many of the women that I know and have worked with, the pursuit of what we thought we wanted in our youth has been overshadowed by running after things that ultimately didn’t contribute to our internal value and worth, and in many cases produced results much different than what we really wanted (or dreamt about).  Why does it matter?  Because otherwise productive, capable, talented women loose themselves to demands and expectations (some of which they have put on themselves) that invite burn out, frustration, disappointment, fear and loss of self.

And before you go there, this is NOT a discussion about rejecting Leaning In or any other such movement.  I celebrate my friends and colleagues who are Leaning In and loving it.  I was one of those women at one time.  And for a while, it served a wonderful purpose.  And then it didn’t.  This is a discussion about getting clarity about what matters to YOU…today.

My goal at The Alice Project is to equip productive women with the awareness and strategies they need to discover Focus, Purpose and Perspective to live the lives that God intended them to live.  It doesn’t matter whether you are Chief Legal Counselor at a corporation or Chief Operations Officer for your family – productivity is, in its best form, ultimately defined by the quality of involvement and engagement in the things that you care most about.

So, what do you care most about? What is the thing or the person that, if you lost it, would change who you are or more importantly, who you want to be?  Career success means nothing if you don’t feel well physically.  Having a huge diamond in your wedding ring is pointless if your marriage has been overshadowed by bitterness, busyness or regret. Working to raise money for your favorite charity is empty if you invest nothing in your children and they don’t care to know you.  But these scenarios are only important if the subject matters to you.  What’s your scenario?  It's time to decide what's TRULY most important to you.  When you do, your list of options grows.

Need help seeing your options? Visit www.the-alice-project.com to download your FREE tools that will help get you on the road to Focus, Purpose and Perspective.  You have more options that you realize!

Love,

Karen-

“I will not live my life with regret.  I will not look back and say, ‘I wish I had…’”. – Karen R. Hilton

 

How to Reframe Your Productive Identity to Stay Engaged and Confident in the Midst of Change

“So, who do you work for?”  It’s the question that strikes ice cold fear in the heart of even the most seasoned and skilled professional in transition.  After resigning from my job as Vice President of Human Resources for a technology company to become a full-time caregiver for my mother, I found myself tripping over my own introduction, realizing I was unprepared to describe “who” I was in the midst of unwanted change. 

Normally poised, articulate and quick on my feet, it had not occurred to me that my new life role would not translate well into the professional circles that I tried to keep pace with.  During the occasional opportunities when I had relief from round-the-clock caregiving, I thought staying engaged with my network and professional associations would be energizing.  Instead, new to the role of caregiving and no longer able to carry my old business cards, I left almost every event feeling lost, disoriented and troubled.  Add to that the grief I was in denial about and the only way to describe me at that point was “all dressed up and a complete hot mess”.

What was wrong with me?  Colleagues kept conversations short and obligatory at best, rarely staying long enough to hear my answer to the question “how are you doing?”  In fairness to them, it had to be doubly awkward to know how to engage someone dealing with two types of significant loss – my mother and my job.  On the other hand, it became clear that business events serve specific functions – personal healing/coping isn’t one of them.   It eventually occurred to me that I kept going to these events as a way to preserve the security and identity I had before I became a caregiver.  I eventually tired of the surface conversations and awkward moments and withdrew realizing that my new life role and self-selected employment status was something I first had to come to terms with, before anyone else ever could.

A lot has changed since my mother passed away, the most significant of which is me.  I have done some transformative work evaluating my life, my identity, my gifts and my talents.  I released my mother and what she represented in my life to God, gave voice to some of the common threads she and I shared with millions of other women, brought my own health and wellness to the forefront and started  a coaching and consulting practice designed to help redefine what a productive woman looks like!

Reframe Your Productive Identity to Stay Engaged and Confident

·         Get Focused.  Call it like it is.  If you’re burnt out, frustrated, angry, feeling lost or disconnected – say so.  Sort fact from fiction and identify priorities.  Getting Focused sets the groundwork for connecting with your values, accepting what you can influence, releasing what you can’t and identifying what you want AND what you need.  As simple as this sounds, this starting place in the process is critical to truly transforming how you think of and present (or reinvent) yourself.  If all your obstacles were removed (money, an unsupportive family/friend, time, etc.) what would life look like in your most productive state?  Write down the words, images and phrases that immediately come to mind.  Include actions, feelings and emotions.  What do you want to be known for?  What do you wish people knew about you? Answering these questions is foundational in reframing your productivity in a way that energizes you and encourages you to move closer to an authentic identity that isn’t swayed by the ups and downs of life.

·         After you identify what you really want and need, identifying Purpose connects your gifts, talents and abilities to your hopes, dreams and desires.  Everyone has a purpose – the differentiator is how a woman uses her Purpose to inform, inspire and influence her choices.  Knowing your Purpose creates a framework with which to define interests, remove distractions and set goals that align with who you are created to be.  Confidence arises out of Purpose, so it is here that you will begin to discover internal fortitude to make courageous decisions.  When you connect with your Purpose it creates a lens by which you can identify those things that honor what’s important to you and those things that don’t.

·         Perspective is the points of view that honor your values, inform your decisions and inspire you for the journey ahead.  Perspective isn’t always easy and it doesn’t always agree with where you are, but it does respect where you are and it is never self-serving.  Perspective comes from learning (books, seminars, classes, podcasts, etc.), development (hands-on experiences, assignments, opportunities) and growth (assessments, 360 surveys, overcoming challenges, etc.)

If you are on the cusp change, in the midst of change or just need to change, I want to encourage you.  Whether you are in crisis or are just curious, defining or redefining yourself is not only possible, it’s just waiting for you! 

Are you struggling with moving forward because you can’t identify what’s holding you back?  Are you searching for a way to describe the “who” of who you are – to the world and to yourself?  Are you ready for something greater but need to develop skills to negotiate or even just ask?  GREAT!  The Alice Project can help.

We believe that every woman – regardless of current or future role - has options, resources and the ability to impact her own progress.  Focus, Purpose and Perspective are the foundations for living the kind of life where “I wish I had…” is never on the menu.

Take a deep breath, and contact us today to learn more!

www.the-alice-project.com

info@the-alice-project.com

678-849-5999

My Top 10 Perspective Points to Keep Your Job Search Productive

One of the greatest tests of a person's character, ingenuity, tenacity, flexibility and professionalism is a job search.  Having been on both the hiring side and the candidate side, I have a deep appreciation for the impact a job search, of any length, can have on a person.

As an consultant and women's development coach, I am constantly approached by men and women alike asking for my input on their resume and their job search strategy.  In most cases, all have amazing skills, experience and education but in almost every case the individual has internalized the job search as a personal wound, or gone to the other extreme of not recognizing how strategic a job search has to be to secure a new role, let alone a "dream job".

In the coming weeks The Alice Project is holding a low-cost 2 part series for women in the midst of change, specific to job transition.  During the session participants will learn some of the strategies that will help them ensure they are making the most of their search.

In the meantime,  I have complied my Top 10 Perspective Points to get the Focus back to where it should be for people in the midst of job transition:

- The power to change how the market interacts with you is in your hands. Present yourself as the person/candidate that you want to be.

- Authenticity trumps confidence, but it's not excuse for being unprepared.

- Confidence has it's place and getting there takes practice (assumed confidence quickly devolves into being a jerk).

- Saying you're willing to do anything is a sure way to end up doing nothing.

- Every interaction is an interview.

- Opportunity is the intersection of timing and relationship.

- The wounds of your transition story are only compelling if you design them to be. Forget what you believe to be your best qualities. If you were hiring you would you think "Poor sap" or would you think " This guy/girl would be great at THIS."

- Hiring managers are looking to get something specific done. The longer you take to demonstrate your ability to help them get that thing done, the further you get from an invitation to come back.

- If you're looking for the interviewing process to be consistently affirming, forget about it. It's a strategic process for those ready to engage their best skills and abilities. Based on how you've managed the interviewing process, on a scale of 1-10 (1 being you're a whiner and 10 you're a CEO) would you hire you? Now ask your closest family and friends.

- In business, woundedness is boring and risky. Either get help, get your blankie or go home. The place for healing is in the safety of your personal life, not your work life.

Before anything productive can come out of a job search, the first step is to get your head in the game. Focus on what's most important and keep yourself connected to healthy things that energize you (exercise, healthy eating, healthy relationships, meditation/prayer, enjoying beautiful music/nature, etc.).

Having a productive job search is as much about how you go about it as it is about the final outcome.

The Confidence to Move Forward is Closer Than You Think

The other day I got the most exciting news. I was being recognized for the work I'm doing with The Alice Project. Still in it's infancy to the rest of the world, the reality is it's been brewing in my heart, in my mind and on my computer desktop for years. So to be recognized was unexpected and a huge shot in the arm.

My childlike excitement was hard to contain, so I sought out someone I know and trust to share my good news. Within seconds of sharing I remembered that the surest ground for gaining confidence to move forward lies not with others, but within myself.

From the most practical lens the person said "You're being recognized? For what" You haven't done anything." The years of working, building, dreaming, planning, connecting, designing and writing were externally buried beneath the trimmings of my social media presence, extensive network and consistent community involvement. So while I'm not yet on the Fortune 100, it's reasonable that at least to some, accomplishment is scaled against some pretty enormous benchmarks.  And yet...something I have done is making a difference...

Had this conversation taken place 5 years ago, I would have trickled away to my safety zone - ignoring my gut, going back to a steady job, putting my stacks of post-it note ideas and legal pad business plans in storage and reciting another person's dream at some company staff meeting.

Instead, this conversation reinforced the passion that I have to help women discover Focus, Purpose and Perspective. Without those three things women, with all their differences and nuances will share a common tendency to rely on some of the external safety nets that often stifle innovation, creativity, courage, commitment and risk-taking.

That's not to say I never experience fear. I do. And sometimes, folks, it gets ugly. But so what. Fear is a spirit that takes the permission that it's given as fuel to press on. Every woman has resources and options. But the most important resource is her own sense of value and worth. When we discover that, we incapacitate fear's ability to silence our dreams, aspirations, goals, desires and fortitude.

The person who unwittingly declared their beliefs about what I had not accomplished (whom I love and respect) held no power over me or my dream - because I didn't given them any. It wasn't a big dramatic event; it was a learning opportunity.  The comment, though lacking sensitivity, was not designed to harm me; it was simply misinformed. I found power and wisdom in the moment and decided to use the experience as a tool to educate the very people that I serve.

I haven't always been that strong. And I may get weak in the knees at some point in the future. But I know what my Focus is, I'm deeply in touch with my Purpose and my Perspective is razor sharp.

What about you? Who are you giving your power to? What have you given up, for the sake of avoiding the hard work of following your gut?

The Alice Project's mission is to help productive women discover Focus, Purpose and Perspective. When you're ready to explore what trusting your gut looks like, The Alice Project can help. Call us today to learn more about coaching, organizational development offerings or keynote speaking opportunities!

www.the-alice-project.com
info@the-alice-project.com
678-849-5999

What Are You Afraid Of (Really)?

 



“I couldn’t agree with you more!” he said…. Wait...no argument? No diatribe about why now isn’t a good time for me to move forward? After so many years of deferring my dream, I had the full support from my life partner, my husband, Steve.  Now I'm not so sure after all this time that what has held me back all this time was actually, and only, ME.

So why, with a bright green light in front of me, did I suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of hesitation at the realization that there were no boundaries between me and my dream?  I had 48 hours to make some important decisions and my mind filled with at least five “reasons” to wait until the spring. And then it hit me. I’m great at helping others identify what they want and overcome what they are afraid of, but in desperate need of my own medicine!

I’m fascinated by this thing I’ll call “Estrogenic Fear” and its ability to suffocate the internal and external progress of women, in every age group, every life role, every race and socio-economic bracket. I have a library full of fear-based beliefs about my own life, and for way too long I’ve “under-lived” my life.  But I have also always had a bull-headed determination that I would live by this motto (one of many) – “I will not get to the end of my life and say ‘I wish I had…’”. 

Google the keywords “women and fear” and find 471 million contributions on everything from women’s fear of success to women’s fear of not succeeding, and everything in between. So why care?   Because if you are a woman or you care about a woman, a large majority of the God-given dreams, goals and aspirations a woman is gifted with will go unachieved unless she pushes past her fear, gains Focus, identifies her Purpose and consistently lives with a Perspective that re-energizes her every day of her life. Without those three keys, the number of potentially life-changing, humanity shaping goals that go unrealized will, at minimum, equal the number of women who hold them.

Here are some fear-based myths that women unwittingly rely on to inform their own beliefs about themselves and their potential:

• I am alone.
• I have no support system.
• I’m too broken.
• I have no experience.
• I can’t handle (disappointment, heartbreak, (fill in the blank)
• I failed before so I’m doomed to repeat that.
• Failure is my identity because I’ve failed before.
• I have no education (formal or otherwise).
• I don’t know where to start so therefore I won’t /can’t start.
• I’m too (black, white, (insert race), direct, short, juicy, old, female, quiet, (insert any category).
• Because life is difficult now, joy is not possible.

 

If you think that sounds familiar, here are some outcomes that result from the misplaced, fear-driven beliefs listed above:

• Difficult circumstances are allowed to silence, consume and/or overwhelm
• Internal cues and warnings are ignored
• Personal goals/aspirations are forgotten, buried, replaced with the goals/aspirations of others, or (most tragically) assumed to be unworthy
• Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are ignored or sacrificed
• Values and core beliefs are shifted to fit external influences
• Constructive feedback that could otherwise be used to develop character, skills or perspective is internalized or the person vilified, creating a missed opportunity to become better and stronger
• Harmful feedback is internalized, normalized and categorized as truth
• Regret festers and blooms into bitterness, resentment, anger and other unhealthy emotions
• Mediocrity (living beneath one’s potential) becomes acceptable
• A current belief that there are a lack of options becomes the belief that there will never be any options
• Creative thinking and hopeful behavior are retired, ignored or hidden
• Joy becomes illusive, secondary to everything/anything and is replaced with emptiness

 



I’ve heard it said that nothing worth having is easy. Theodore Roosevelt put it this way: “Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.”

Every one of the fear-driven beliefs listed above has an opposite, and specific strategies that immobilize fear’s influence. The Alice Project’s mission is to help women, at every stage of their life and career, discover Focus, Purpose and Perspective.

For more information on coaching, panel or keynote speaking availability, corporate program development and tools and resources, call or write for more information today - 678-849-5999 or info@the-alice-project.com.